So this story starts with a studly young hunter
(there’s a painting of the whole thing and in the painting the hunter is turned away from the viewer such that no real claim can be made vis-à-vis the studliness of the hunter but it’s an emotional truth, you know, like he just sort of seems like he’d be studly, here, hold on, you’ll get it when we go through the rest)
named Actaeon and he probably wasn’t
even really in the market to see naked breasts
that day BUT sure enough he saw some naked
breasts and they belonged to the goddess Diana
(OK, let me redact a bit of that, it could have been on purpose, I mean, you find yourself in the woods and you hear some nymphly giggling or whatever from a meadow over a ways, let’s just say something got you moving over in that direction)
and so Diana was a feminist or something
(look, I don’t know from feminists, you can just Google it, but if you’re getting offended by me you got to get your head on straight, you’re supposed to be offended by Actaeon, of course, oh right, I haven’t told you yet, hold on)
and so Diana probably thought something
along the lines of making sure she didn’t seem
tacitly complicit with this, like, I don’t know,
modern Internet rape culture or something
(this story takes place in Ancient Greece I think, or maybe Rome, which is I think just another name for Greece, but anyway, they didn’t have the Internet then, and I mean I’m not trying to politicize the story but you shouldn’t be afraid to pass on important messages through fiction or whatever)
and so anyway she killed Actaeon by turning
him into a deer which is not even symbolic, she
basically just wanted to kill him ironically by having
his studly hunter friends shoot him with arrows and
whatnot and not let him shout to warn them
(one of my friends told me that was a proportionate response to his crime, but I mean, he sort of seemed like an OK guy, but I guess you never can tell about these people, and it’s not like he could explain himself, being a deer and all)
and there’s not even really a take home point
in this story, he just stumbled into the wrong grotto
(I don’t think it was actually a grotto, what is a grotto, you should Google that too, but not yet, can you just stop getting distracted, I’m almost done with the story here)
and he was pretty much dead five minutes later,
give or take a little bit, and so that’s the story of Actaeon,
I guess he got what he deserved in the end.
(Seriously, look at the painting, it’s a really good painting, it has naked breasts in it if you’re into that sort of thing and also there’s a really cute dog at the bottom)